Musings
by Empress Dots
Summary: Drabble. After Lucius tells him something, Raven thinks. "It was an odd feeling, to not know anything." [Shounen-ai]


**Disclaimer:** Don't own FE.

**Title: **Musings

**Rating: PG**

**Genre: **General, slight romance and a tad smidge of angst

**Warnings:** Raven and Lucius shounen-ai. I'll let you decide which is seme and which is uke. Introspectives. Stuff like that. Made-up Raven and Lucius past—please inform me if the timeline is off and Lucius only came when Raven was 15 or whatever. Also, Raven is likely OOC. I apologize in advance.

**Author Notes: **Think what you will. I can say no more.

**Dedications:** To my best friend, who will always be the Squall of our little club. Though you may never read this, I need to thank you for everything.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

It had been three days, Raven realized. Three days that had seemed longer than they should have been, yet passed in no more than the blink of an eye for him.

_"Lord Raymond, I must make a confession."_

And Lucius had been waiting all this time. Waiting for an answer that Raven wasn't sure he could give.

Raven saw him sometimes, glancing out of the corner of his eye to look at him. Raven would always look away, unsure of what exactly to say or do in response to Lucius.

He had always considered Lucius a kind servant and good friend, but little more than that—hadn't he? Saint Elimine, now he was growing unsure of himself.

_"I love you, Lord Raymond. I can't imagine being happy without you. And merely being by your side makes me so happy."_

How was Raven supposed to respond to something like that? He had been stunned into silence by Lucius's confession, and done nothing but gape and form small fragments of words. His voice didn't seem to want to work correctly.

He supposed that he should have guessed earlier. Lucius had been with him for so long now, and always healed him when needed. But then again, Lucius had done the same for Serra, Renault, and even Karel.

Raven had always failed to notice how close Lucius stayed and how very protective he had been. Whenever Raven was in over his head, Lucius would whip out one of his tomes and finish the enemy off. When Raven was gravely injured, Lucius had a staff ready. Raven supposed that he had done the same for Lucius from time to time—giving him a vulnerary when he needed it, using his sword to finish off the enemies Lucius didn't manage to kill, and occasionally letting Lucius stay even closer to him, "rescuing" him in a way.

_"I . . . I know that it is wrong, Lord Raymond . . . I know that I should not love you. But somehow, I do not care if I should or should not. . . ."_

It should have been obvious, Raven told himself again. You should have noticed. The way he looked at you, the way he helped you so many times, the way he always wanted to be near you in combat. How could you not notice?

He had just gotten used to it, it seemed. Lucius had always been by his side, even in House Cornwell. He had always been one of Raven's closest friends; Raven had even considered him as a sort of adopted brother.

But the question he was asking now was if Lucius meant more than that to him. Certainly he meant more than that to Lucius . . . he did love Raven, after all.

And even if he didn't love Lucius the way the monk loved him, could he leave him behind, cast him off after the battle was over? Even after hearing his confession?

_"Please, Lord Raymond . . . I will understand if you do not love me as I love you. That is fine. I just want to be near you. Please . . . please understand."_

And Raven had sat in silence as he tried to silence the questioning voices in his head.

It was an odd feeling, to not know anything. Raven had once thought himself at least somewhat wise—he knew arithmetic and letters, and he had a bit of common sense hidden somewhere in his head.

But now, if felt like all the things he could ever learn would not be enough for him to understand anything. He could never know all the workings of the world or even a small fraction of them. There was no way his mind could ever contain all the knowledge that he needed it to.

And he was frustrated at his own inability to think.

"L . . . Lord Raym—I mean, Lord Raven?"

Raven jerked, his hand finding the hilt of his sword out of habit, before he turned around to see Lucius.

"Ah, Lucius," he said, relaxing his arm. "You startled me."

Lucius would not meet Raven's eyes. "I . . . need to talk to you. If you would, Lord Raven, may we go somewhere private?"

"I'm going to our tent," Raven said. He and Lucius had shared a tent since joining the legion at Caelin. "Will that be private enough for you?"

Lucius replied with a small nod.

It was a short walk back to the tent, where Raven began undressing for bed. It was getting late, and they'd be heading back to the Dread Isle in a few days for the final confrontation with Nergal. So Raven knew he would need all the sleep he could get.

He had finished removing his sparse armor, and was taking his tunic off when he saw that Lucius was kneeling on the ground, his eyes fixed on the ground.

"Lucius?" he asked, pulling his tunic over his head so that all he wore were his breeches. He sat down before Lucius and tried to make eye contact, but he would not respond.

"I must apologize, Lord Raymond." Lucius's shoulders shook as he spoke. "Three days ago, I . . . I said too much. I made you uncomfortable. Please forgive me."

Raven leaned forward. "Lucius, you've done nothing that needs forgiving."

"Lord Raymond, I . . ." The shoulder-shaking intensified, and Lucius brought his hands to his face. He wasn't quick enough to keep one of his tears from hitting the ground and leaving a little wet spot in the dust.

Raven didn't like to see Lucius cry. Despite his frail appearance, Lucius was one of the strongest people that Raven knew. So to see him broken and crying like this . . .

Raven remembered in House Cornwell, taking long walks outside and talking with Lucius. He was a wonderful conversationalist, and Raven had often listened to him intently while walking. They had admired the blossom-covered trees together in the spring. Raven still remembered how Lucius had found a stray cat giving birth, and Raven had helped him deliver the kittens. Only a few weeks later, they gave the kittens away, though Lucius had a hard time letting go of the blue-eyed one. Raven had promised him that he'd get a cat.

That had been so long ago. When Raven was eleven or twelve, perhaps. He was surprised that he was even remembering it.

Lucius's first fit, his eyes rolling back into his head as his whole body shook. Raven had been so worried about him, and had looked for a kitten to give him to help him feel better. In the end, a hug had to suffice, but Lucius said that it was good enough.

When they grew older. More walking in the gardens and talking, watching the birds flit through the trees. Helping a fallen hatchling back into its nest.

And the laughter they had shared.

That had changed, Raven thought. The Raymond of yesterday was dead, dead with his parents. Only Raven lived on in his place.

But even when things had changed, he had been happy. Because Lucius had been with him.

Lucius was sobbing. "Lord Raymond, I . . . forgive me . . ."

Raven laid down very carefully, and put his head on Lucius's lap. Lucius did not stop crying, but he did pull his hands away from his face to look at Raven.

"It's me who should apologize," Raven said. "All this time, Lucius, and I never knew. I took your presence for granted, all this time."

"Lord Raymond . . . I . . ."

"Lucius. I'm sorry that I haven't told you how I feel. The truth is that I don't know. I don't know anything at all."

"That's not true, Lord Raymond!"

"Shhh." When Lucius had calmed down slightly, Raven turned his head slightly, closing his eyes. "I . . . don't know how I feel, Lucius. But what I do know is that I am happiest when I am with you."

Raven opened his eyes, and Lucius was smiling.

"And I like it best when you are happy," he whispered.

There was a pause, and Lucius began to stroke Raven's hair. "Lord Raymond . . . thank you."

Raven said nothing; he merely closed his eyes again and let himself be happy.


End file.
